So last night I had a heated discussion with this guy who I thought had potential. Now I should have known it wouldn’t go anywhere because the kid really only communicated through text and emails. Weird. Anyway, the discuss started with hanging out (because we hadn’t even started dating) and then escalated to him telling me “Sad to say, but I don’t think my wife will be Black or American”. Scerrrrr. What? First where did that come from? Second, why cut out an entire race and nation of folks?
That got me to thinking. So are all the women in America screwed up? Especially all the Black American women? Are we the forbidden fruit? I mean, many people have discussed this topic on various occasions, but I don’t get it. I know that I am an awesome Black women (yeah, I must admit – lol). I am bilingual (could be tri but my Portuguese is really shaky, oh so is my Sign-language), I’m well traveled and would love to see more of the World (really want to do the Amazing Race), socialable, love to dine at Turkish/Thai/African/Indian etc restaurants, can flip between the football/basketball game and America’s Next Top Model, articulate, well versed in the cultural realm, I can get dirty (Dad had me working on cars with him when I learned how to walk, he made me a great fisherman, and cut 3 acres of grass in the hot VA sun - yes, I was able to use a riding lawnmower for the majority of it - Daddy isn't THAT gangsta) and I can clean up and hob-knob with the bourgeoisie… I’ve been told I’m a guy’s girl. I know I’m a great catch b/c I have a heart of gold and uber supportive to my man (Give me a 'M'! Give me an 'A'! Give me a 'N'!... yeah, I'm his cheerleader) - when I have one. :-D
While I know this about me, I know I don’t represent the 100’s and 1000’s of Black women and Americans out there. But why cut out an entire set of women? Shoot, I know I’m not perfect. I know that I have can have an attitude and I’m moody, but I make a mean baked chicken and my mac-n-cheese are to die for. OH, can’t forget about my potato salad! Lawd. (Yes, I will cook for my man). Everyone has flaws no matter what race or where you live.
I asked some of my girlfriends if I had the right to be offended by his statement. (if you know me they are MULTICULTURAL – lol) And the White ones referenced his age and my BFF Irish chica said “Hell yeah. He’s a douchebag”. The ones of color just laughed it off and said he was a hot mess. I'm sure he is a great guy and this post isn't really about him. It is about the fact that quite a few men are not interested in dating the women next door. The woman you grew up with or who may better understand where you are coming from. It's like they are looking for something out there and not even looking in their own backyard. I've heard it before - some of my boys have said it - that they don't date Black women. Hmmm. To each his own. People are going to love whomever they are going to love. I just don't get cutting out an entire section of people. I mean, what's so wrong with us?
Like I've said before, I'm well traveled (I've lived abroad for a couple brief stints) and I understand the culture shock one gets when coming back to the States. You realize how spoiled we are, how much we have, how good we have it. You reflect on your life as compared to those you just left. I know what it's like to stay in a $7 (American dollars) hotel and have to take a cold shower while praying that the big ass spider in the corner doesn't decide to join you (Yes, peoples. I keeps it real - lol). I appreciate life and all cultures. I can't speak for all Americans and all Black American women. Perhaps because of the way I was raised. I have a rich cultural background.
So, I wouldn't say that all American women are bad and unmarriable. Ha! Now when I was laying on the emergency room table in Spain hooked up to IV's because I drank out the wrong fountain, perhaps the Doctor was saying 'Stupid American' but hey, I was living life and I'd do it again. Well, I'd choose a different fountain to drink out of.
Well, I’m going to reference one of my brother's – the quote master – many quotes, “Never apologize for being yourself.” This is so true.
Until next time…
Be Seen At the Top!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Forbidden Fruit?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
When I’m married and my wife can vouch for my brilliance only then will my words pierce the minds of the brainless. Until then I’ll keep spreading my gospel and those who are ready to step into the world will be better for it.
Now to answer the question, there is nothing wrong or undesirable about Black women as a specific category. I love them and it’s 95 percent likely that I will have a Black wife (it used to 100% but I’ve learned from my mistakes) however it is obvious even to my limited eyesight that there is something fundamentally wrong with Black women in this country. There are things wrong with other races too but I’m not as vested so I care less. But I care about black girls so I try to be patient but it’s hard. And that’s saying something because I am very supportive of everything my lady does, I’m smart and hard-working, I have integrity, I’m all about being black and proud, I look forward to being a dad, I have a 1, 3, 5 and a 10 year plan, I don’t ever care about going to Duane Reade or wherever to pick her up some pads or tampons, I stay looking presentable and never dress inappropriate, help her with the housework (I mean I’m not big on making the bed but I got them dishes!) don’t mind attending hoity-toity events and mixers (or anything really—I’m down to go anywhere and do anything. I don’t have fear about not fitting in, people always like me because I’m honest), I’m not blair underwood or whomever women say is hot but I’m handsome enough, and with that I’m not a cheater (I mean I can’t front. I will look but I don’t touch and I’ve always had the option. I’m not much of ladies man per se, but women don’t seem to mind) because I really respect my lady and myself and on and on. Point being if it’s hard for a dude like then I must not be the problem. Here are some reasons why:
There are lots of ways I can go here but its Friday so I’ll keep it short.
1. They are bitter as hell. This goes back to growing up without fathers being in the home or from dads who were around but emotionally unavailable or from dads who over-protected them. That accounts for about 80 percent of black women there. In fact who am I kidding? That’s like 99 percent. From that you must add on the negativity that this country/world places on their shoulders. The stereotypes about being loose, loud and foolish. Not to mention the stress women often inherit from their mothers. And that’s not even counting annoying women things like periods and bad hair days. It ain’t easy that’s for damn sure. The thing is they make it worse on themselves by being amazingly petty, mean and selfish. They use anger as a crutch, leaning on it whenever they get outsmarted or their argument no longer has any logic left. Most men like myself are not thirsty enough to deal with an emotionally stunted woman for anything but late night rendezvous’’ and really we don’t want that. Men are tired of women being mad Fix the problems and stop regurgitating tired clichés about men being shady and uncaring. Especially when you are the same, Fix yourself then maybe we will take you guys seriously.
2. Women have to stop demanding that we stop objectifying them, then turn around and only offer themselves to us as sex objects/symbols. It’s confusing and ridiculous. Every time I see a woman with open toe shoes on during the winter I assume I can do whatever I want to her. Just as long as I say she’s pretty at the end of it. Not I’m not selfish enough to take advantage of every chick but a lot of dudes will. I just look at the girl as fool and keep it moving. Women have to stop focusing on their looks so much. We also want women who are smart and know about candidates besides Barack and Hillary. None of us are looking for perfection; we understand that everybody can’t be Kerry Washington. We just want someone who is as smart as us (or really close), someone who is gonna cook for us 3 times a week, clean the house twice a week, at least pretend to help me shovel the snow sometimes (just be out there with us. You don’t even have to really shovel! Lol), someone we can take to cocktail parties and fancy fundraisers and NBA games and to the zoo as well. We want to talk about quantum physics one day and jay’z album the next day. If you look crazy we will tell you, otherwise don’t sweat it. If I didn’t like how you looked already I would not be with you.
Thats all for now.
It’s easy for men to categorize or totally omit a generation and demographic of women that we share this country with and ultimately desire, pointing out the peeves and annoyances of those that were nurtured in the same dysfunction as these thugs out here. That’s a scratch compared to the scars that these black women have to deal with when navigating the field of maturity and expectations of many men. Women did not ask to be heirs to this matriarchal society and receive abandonment from these punks that hold their machismo above their commitment. Men treat women like banks out here; once they make their withdrawal they lose interest. And still amazingly, there is a plethora of black women achieving, graduating and surrendering the lavishes of life that we take for granted by mothering and fathering the children that we leave them with. Don’t front, mature men know that women hold you down and bitches hold you up, and maybe that should be the criteria of narrowing down your search for companionship rather than American or black women. Shout out to my mom and my sister, and one day my daughter.
Aww. You guys both have great comments. And Tre, I know you are like Phife Dog from the Zulu nation!
Wait... I cooked more than 3x a week Khalid. And, umm Thanksgiving Dinner? Need I say more. It was SLAMMING!! No pun on your magazine.
Basically I think we want the same things. At least me and my crew of girlfriends. We want someone who it smart, articulate, well read, who can switch it from Timberlands to wing-tips, the whole nine. And why not? That's what I'm bringing to the table? I grew up in Pittsburgh (GO STEERLERS!!! LOL sorry for the quick shout out but we are bringing to you Clevland Browns!! Ooooooo) and I didn't have an older brother so I was out there shoveling the snow.
Now there are women out there who want you to 'take care of them' like they don't have any damn sense. Oh, but wait, men do the same. They want you to chase after them and practically beg them for a date. Uh, not this morena.
Men have the same probelm with abandonment issues dealing with one's father. Khalid, if you say 99% of Black women don't have a father figure in their lives, what about Black men. Who are their role models? Who do they look up to? I know plenty of men whose mothers had to hold the family down/up/sideways and what not. A woman can't teach a man to be a man. So it baffles me when these same men go and say that they can't or won't or most likely won't marry a Black women. I mean hello? Was your own mother not a good representation of how wonderful Black women are? For some people yes and for some, no.
It is difficult out here; I think for both teams. People like to exclaim how important they are and how many chicks/dudes they have chasing after them. Really? Is that so? That's great, but who are you really inside? Do they know?
I have a problem when a man falls heels-over-head (this way makes more sense) for me after a brief moment. I mean, why? You don't even know me yet. You just think you know me. You think you like me. What you like is the perception of who you think I am. Who you want me to be. Not the REAL me. Don't just assume we are dating when we are only 'talking' boo-boo, if that is even the case. I think people need to slow down and get to know people. Actually TALK to a person. Don't just text message them or email, pick up the damn phone like an adult - lol. Don't just offer to bring over a bottle of wine and ravage them; tell them you want to get them tipsy so you can take advantage of them. Or that you want to tickle their lips with your tongue. Eww! What is that? Are you getting to know the person person, or are you just getting your freak on? Hey if you want to do the latter, more power to you. I’m sure there are those out there who will ride the white horse with you. Not this Chica. I don't frolic... But this post is about a relationship between a man and a women. Not a kid. Not a teenager. Not some little boy or some school girl.
Yes Bettina i know that men need their fathers too and because of the nonsense that has infiltrated our culture, there are many men who think taking care of their children is optional. What i'm saying is that we know men need their fathers but we forget that women need them too. I think it plays a big role in how women relate to men. I feel as though i get punished or judged unfairly, because of someone's else mistake. Something i had nothing to do with.
And i can't make my own mistakes without triggering some sort of over the top reaction from my lady. Thats all i am saying, i know we got issues but do women realize the daddy situation is an issue for them? I never had a hero or role model or father figure so i just created an idea of what kind of man i wanted to be. I manifested a reality based upon my ideals and expectations. I want my lady to treat me based upon that and not what ever happened with her father.
Well, I can't speak for all women. I personally think that people DO know the importance of having a father in their lives. We are now going into the breakdown of the Black family which is an entire topic in and of itself.
I agree with you that women put off ideas of how a man should be, act, treat them when they don't really know. But on the flip side, when you do have a father and he does tell you how a man should treat you, you tend to expect that. I know my Dad would be damned if I knew more about a car than my man does. He is still worried about whether or not I'll be taken advantage of in blaze-blah situation. Therefore, growing up, he made sure that he taught me how to take care of the 'manly chores' as well as how to make him breakfast in the morning.
Funny because I just spoke to one of my linesisters the other day about how men treat women, and she was telling me how her Dad told her that her potential mate needed to treat her like a Queen because that he how he treated her. She expects that. She said that he is the ONLY person that she will drop everything for if he needed her. That is the relationship that she has with her father and she said she'd gladly carry it over to a man who treated her in the same manner. I totally understand where she is coming from. If my man and I have that understanding, if he treats me like a Queen, holds me down and sweeps me off my feet, I'd drop everything on a dime if he needed me. He would be my King. It is a give and take. It is reciprocity. I know that I personally tend to give more than I get, but that is just my crazy heart. If a man were to come in and sweep me off my feet (meaning take care of me in every which way) I'd gladly do the same for him. No questions asked...okay, knowing me I'd ask something. But if he told me to jump, I'd trust that he'd catch me.
There is no perfect person, just someone who is perhaps perfect for you.
What about the other point i raised? About women objectifying themselves? Does anyone have any comments to add concerning that?
Yes, yes, yes it happens. And when I see chicks doing that, I think it is a hot mess and that it is sad. I can't front like I've never worn little clothes to the club and partied like a rockstar, but my Mom taught me that there is a time and place for everything.
In turn, men objectify women as well. Hello? Music videos? Hello can I walk down the street and not be called 'Ma' or asking me if they can 'introduce themselves' to me when they know they aren't on my level (meaning the local-yocales who hang on the street. Don't front b/c you know you wouldn't 'holler' at a chick who was doing the same). And I don't have to be dressed like I'm going to the club either.
I don't objectify myself. My life isn't a Lisa Raye movie in which I have to use what I got to get what I want. No. I use my mind. Perhaps a little wit, charm or whatever, but I like to believe that my personality shines through. And if someone is interested in me, then they are. If they aren't, then oh well. Next.
In response to the orginal post from Bettina, I'd like to take a second and comment on a couple things without overextending myself here. So here we go (Don't judge me - lol).
In my most honest and sincere opinion Bettina, I think there's a slight chance you could have miscontrued the conversation and/or comments you shared with Mr. Mystery Man. Perhaps, his comments about not wanting an American or Black wife could have been taken for face value - meaning that he could have been involved in some very damaging and shoody experiences with Black or American women that created a disdain for not wanting to marry a Black or American woman. /You never know. DID YOU EVER ASK HIM? (I'm going to go ahead and assume that you didn't).
Furthermore, to circle back on taking things for face value, perhaps, he's into women from other cultures and/or nationalities because they possess 'something' - whether it be an exotic look, accent, religion, cultural upbringing, etc. - that American or Black women don't; in which case there's absolutely nothing you, or any other woman can do about it. You can't hold it against him or judge him for who he's attracted to or what he enjoys no matter how superficial. We are ALL attracted to 'something' superficial in the opposite sex, whether we like to admit it or not.
Again, DID YOU EVER ASK HIM? (And again, I'm going to go ahead and assume no) Because this could very well be a plausible explanation behind his comments.
It may have nothing to do with you, maybe its just a realization that he's into 'other' women more so than he is with Black women.
Just my opinion that's all. Let some of this FOOD for THOUGHT marinate for a sec and eat it up.
No, I didn't ask him. When I called his phone 'hung up' twice and he blamed it on his janky phone - perhaps this is true (and classic. don't they make commercials about this?) - but I don't believe in having full conversations via text anyway. I mean in this day and age, there are MULTIPLE ways of communicating.
It is OKAY that he doesn't want to be with me. I am not bitter at all. More power to him and best of luck with whatever race he decides to choose. The post really isn't about him ONLY. I've had other friends who only want to date outside their race b/c they have been hurt by their particular race. If my 'Mystrey Man' (we WERE NOT DATING OR EVEN TALKING) wants to date someone outside of his race because he was hurt multiple times by Black women, then so be it. It really was the way in which he came at me. His comment came from out of no where. We weren't even talking about marriage at the time and then he hit me with that crazy comment. It took me by surprise, but then again, we couldn't speak b/c his phone was janky.
It's cool. I've dated multipule races. Well, a few were mixed together (lol) but I wouldn't count out an entire race. His comment make him sound like a White man during slavery times when Black women were considered exotic. Basically, everyone perceives other races to be exotic when they want to escape their own reality. It is kinda sad. We all are exotic in our own way.
Wow, when I read these descriptions of Black women, I can't help but think- none of this applies to me. I mean sure, I have my issues and hangups, but they don't fit into any of the laments I typically hear re: Black women. As far as being bitter- I am not and I don't have any reason to be. I grew up with both parents in the home (they are divorced now, but for better or worse, they made it work while my sister and I were in the home). I was spoiled by both my mother and my father- with LOVE, not money. I neither objectify myself nor allow myself to be objectified by the men I deal with. I dress sexy, but always classy and truthfully so do the vast majority of Black women I know/socialize with.
These generalizations of Black women are dangerous and limiting. Deal with each person as an individual (of course, keep your lessons from the past on file, but don't let them color your view of a new potential mate). We are far too diverse and complex a race to allow ourselves to be oversimplified in this way.
In the same vein, Black men as a demographic have many issues. But it's not even something I spend time complaining or even thinking about, because I KNOW that all Black men do not have issues and I don't give the time of day to those that do.
Not sure if you guys got the memo but Black women are out this year.
:)
LMAO. WHATEVA!! Fine! I'ma get my Asian man. You know, I've always been Jones-ing for Asian men. I don't know what it is. Hey yo Chow Yun Fat, holla at your girl!!
Post a Comment